Conquering Fears.
Lessons From My Four-Year-Old.
Will KJ Hong
“What’s the first ride you want to do today?”
We were lucky enough to visit Disneyland over the holiday break and that’s what I asked my four-year-old as we approached the entrance gates. Our family tradition is to head straight to It’s A Small World as our first ride, but I thought I’d ask just in case.
Without skipping a beat, she answered with excitement, “The Haunted Mansion!”
Hold up, huh? The Haunted Mansion? In my mind, that answer was the least expected because, unlike It’s A Small World, we almost never choose to ride it. I looked over at my wife with a puzzled look on my face. She silently responded with her own look of bewilderment. I turned back to my daughter and asked, “You want to ride… The Haunted Mansion?”
“Yup!” She answered with a smile.
“You sure? You know which ride that is?”
“Yes, daddy, I know what The Haunted Mansion is,” she replied in her most adult-like voice, as if to tell me to stop patronizing her.
“Well, I just wanted to make sure…”
“Daddy, let’s go! Let’s go to The Haunted Mansion!”
My reason for confusion and hesitation was simple.
Just about 6 months ago, we were at Disneyland and we actually decided to ride The Haunted Mansion, perhaps against our better judgement given our normally apprehensive four-year-old. But she rode it and I sat right next to her. And listen, the ride can definitely get a bit spooky. So naturally, she put her hands over her ears and shut her eyes tight throughout the entire time ride. The. Entire. Ride. When the ride finished, she gave me a look of absolute terror and she softly said, “Daddy, I didn’t like that ride. It was too scary. I don’t ever want to ride it again.”
I picked her up, gave her a kiss, and held her tight as I whispered in her ear, “Don’t worry, we don’t have to ride it again. I’m so sorry it was so scary.”
But now? Just six months later, she was eager to go on the very ride that caused her so much fear? It must be a mistake. She must have gotten some names confused. So I asked one last time, “You sure you want to ride The Haunted Mansion? Did you mean It’s A Small World? Or maybe the Tea Cups?”
My daughter looked at me, this time, with a determined and serious look in her eyes. “Daddy,” she said, “I know those rides. It’s not those. I want to ride The Haunted Mansion. I know what it is.”
So we started walking towards the very ride that instilled utter fear in my daughter not too long ago.
While we were in line, I was so curious on what was going on in my daughter’s head. So I asked, “Can you tell me why you want to go on this ride? I thought it was, you know… kinda spooky. You sure you want to do this?”
Silence followed my inquisitive question. But before I could ask again, she started to respond.
“It’s because… last time, the ride was so scary. So I closed my eyes and ears the whole time. This time, I want to do it and keep my eyes and ears open the whole time. I want to face my fear.”
My jaw dropped. Partly because this response was unexpected. But mainly because my heart instantly filled up with pride, joy, inspiration, and wonder.
So this was why she chose The Haunted Mansion as her first ride? We had just entered the park. She could have chosen any other attraction designed to bring on smiles. Things that were fun, not scary. Things that were comfortable, not challenging. Things like churros, Mickey, or IT’S A SMALL WORLD. It wasn’t just the fact that she wanted to face her fears. It was that she wanted to face her fears first. Right away. No need to push it aside and come back to it later.
And as I march onward in this new year, I have to ask myself, “What is my Haunted Mansion?”
Is it job/financial security? Maybe it’s health and safety? Perhaps my struggles with anxiety and depression? Or is it my need for approval from my colleagues and peers?
And I’ll ask you, the reader, the same question. What is your Haunted Mansion? Is it the economic downturn? Your declining sales? Making payroll, let alone rent? Or maybe it’s life-changing events like a new baby or a chronic illness? Perhaps it’s your fear of being transparent and vulnerable with others?
Whatever it is, I want to take a cue from my four-year-old and strive to conquer my fears.
Here is what she taught me:
(1) Reflect and Identify
When my daughter first experienced The Haunted Mansion, she had a visceral, immediate reaction. She was scared and spooked and that’s all she knew. But then she did something that most adults forget to do - she reflected on the experience. She processed what happened. The ride scared her… which caused her to close her eyes and ears… which caused her to miss out on the fun and imagination… which made her realize she didn’t want to miss out… so she decided to face her fears… so that she could fully experience the ride the next time around.
By reflecting on her experience, she was able to identify the problem. And in her case, the problem at hand was that her fears were causing her to close her eyes and ears during the ride. So the solution was simple - ride it again, but this time keep your eyes and ears open the entire time.
(2) Confront the Fear Now (Don’t Wait)
My daughter didn’t wait to face her fears. It was the first thing she wanted to do. She has her favorite rides at Disneyland along with favorite shows and snacks. But these things didn’t distract her. As soon as she entered the park, she had one goal in mind - confront and conquer her fear.
By doing this first, she achieved two important things. First, she proved to herself that she was capable of facing something scary and overcoming it. And this set her up for the rest of the day when she got to ride some “thrill” rides for the first time (she was finally 40” tall). In other words, she was able to experience new (scary) things throughout the rest of the day that brought forth new and rewarding experiences.
Second, she was able to enjoy the rest of the day without this burden clouding over her head. It was evident that she had been thinking about The Haunted Mansion before we entered Disneyland. For all I knew, she had been thinking about this since we last visited the park 6 months ago. But by attacking the challenge at hand, she was able to freely enjoy the rest of the day.
(3) Cherish the Opportunity with Excitement
When I asked her which ride she wanted to go on first, she didn’t whisper, “The Haunted Mansion.” Instead, her answer was filled with excitement, armed with a huge smile and quick bunny hop. She was looking forward to the challenge, even though it was a burden.
When was the last time I was excited to tackle my fears? These kinds of obstacles are usually followed with groaning and deflecting. But not for my daughter. She was genuinely looking forward to confronting her fears before anything else.
So here’s the short and sweet takeaway:
Conquer fears first, enjoy churros second.
After a long wait in line, we were finally herded into the large, main elevator where The Haunted Mansion ride starts. I peeked over at my daughter and her face was beaming with excitement (with a tinge of apprehension). We eventually jostled into our egg-shaped car and continued the ride, witnessing skeletons, ghosts, and flying candles. I checked on my daughter from time to time, just to make sure she was okay. There were definitely parts that spooked her (and it didn’t help that the ride had to pause twice due to technical problems). But she did it. She finished the ride without closing her eyes or ears. Not once.
When we exited the ride, the aftermath was a stark contrast to our initial experience. She had a skip in her step. I saw a sense of pride in her face. She knew she just achieved something important, even if she didn’t fully understand the extent of her actions.
And just like last time, I picked her up and gave her a big hug and a kiss. But this time I whispered in her ear, “You did it! I am so thankful for you. You should feel very proud of yourself. You just inspired daddy.”
She hugged me back and smiled before wiggling herself back to the ground. She then shouted, “Can we get some churros now?”
“Let’s do it!”
“This is the best day ever!” She exclaimed as she ran towards the food cart.
